This was from my journaling a few months ago, with some edits of course:
I wanted to share this because it starts out negative, in frustration and with a lot of emotions but ends on me turning the tables and focusing on the good things, instead of the negative. Read: I’m not ignoring the negative emotions and feeling, but I am denying how much influence they get to have over me. Going from “This all sucks.” to “I’m killing it!” (Or at least, I’m learning how to bit by bit.) I’m learning it’s okay to have times where that’s the case, but staying there is the issue.
It’s kind of a long post, so bear with me, please!
So I can’t sleep so maybe some journaling might help.
I have been internally raging for the last hour about how I wish to be (romantically) relationally alone. I’m angry and I’m not sure why. I was thinking about how I literally have created an “aura” or a wall towards guys I find attractive and guys in general. The kind of “I will mess you up if you get near me” aura, and in the “I will kick your butt if you come near me” way. I don’t want to be messed with. I have no tolerance for that crap. I’ve always been this way. I just want to be left alone, and I have. I don’t want to have to deal the same relational crap most people deal with. I barely can stand family relationships and friendships sometimes.
Side note: whenever I get fired up about this topic I get stressed out or really pissed.
I just don’t want to deal with the same pains everyone else deals with. And I couldn’t deal with meeting a good guy and hurting him. So just all (romantics) leave me alone.
It’s funny because I can picture the house, the kids, all of my dreams coming true, a legacy and so on, yet it’s hard to picture someone with me. I am no man’s sidekick. Yet neither am I am looking for a sidekick. I want a partner. An equal.
I don’t think I go well with a guy though (for clarification this does not mean I’m looking for women or anything else). Every guy I would like, or type of guy, I always picture a better looking woman would suit him better. A girl with different quirks. Shorter. Better skin. Lighter, darker. And so on. I just don’t feel like I could suit any guy. We see photogenic couples all the time, and some couple who seem like “how the heck do they go together?” But oh well. I don’t even feel like I’d fit into that category.
I had a theory for awhile about good looking people of either gender and “homely”, plain, or ruggedly good looking people. Recently I thought, well even if I’m not super pretty, maybe it would be okay if I was with a guy who was better looking than I am. I mean, that should be good, right?
Yet tonight I have a problem with even that. Since yesterday’s conversation bringing up my insecurities about my looks I’ve been a bit irritated. I mean being beautiful is less important than brains, heart, and character of course, BUT WHY DOES IT STILL BOTHER ME?! Why should I give a darn what some guy thinks of me and my looks and if I’m awkward or not? Why does it bother me if I’m smart enough, dorky, or whatever? Why am I on autopilot to automatically reject any advances, on the low odds that it might happen?
Why does it bother me if I’m smart enough, dorky, or whatever? Why am I on autopilot to automatically reject any advances, on the low odds that it might happen?
Why am I so willing to write off anything into the “no chance” box? For example, language or career barriers.
My race – touchy honestly. How many domestic or foreign men would find a dark, mixed woman beautiful? [Note: Obviously they will, but it’s a personal issue accepting my own dark skin. I’m just telling it like it is for me.] I’ll be honest, my race is a big reason why I don’t believe that I’m anyone’s type. I have wonderful ancestry and they merged to make… This? Especially the dark skin. It’s so… Obvious. There’s no escaping it and the stories it tells. It feels second rate if I’m honest, like a curse I’ve been branded with to carry throughout my days. Yet, I don’t want a guy to tell me I’m beautiful, especially not because of my skin. That’s my job. To believe I’m worth something before some potato* comes along.
It’s so staining, this dark skin. The history it tells: of a people selling itself out to traders and cursing itself to slavery, losing everything, abuse, rape, dirty names, sickness, loss of history and culture, and dignity. Even the very basics of human dignity were stripped from it in nakedness and shame.
One of my other skins, though not as obvious, the Cherokee [Note: As of now I can’t legally claim it though], and possibly other Native tribes in my blood, itching to run free, yet as chained as the other, though pride could not so easily be taken from the original owners of this land and so they become the silent but ever deathly watchers, waiting in the dark for their chance to strike.
The Dutch part of me, I know least about. Where did it come from? A loving relationship or yet another master or people’s stealing what was not theirs to have? Yet it could have been the opposite. A fed up people’s whose rage turned to somehow create something new in darkness. I’ll probably never know.
If anything else makes me up, only God knows.
I am fierce in heart and mind, though recently that has been challenged and broken, leaving me wondering in the sand. I am a fighter by nature, though usually, it’s in the quiet and behind the scenes, one day that might change. I don’t say that because I want to become someone big, rather the dreams and desires in my heart are so big that in order to reach others in the ways I am called to I might become known for things.
It’s another one of those nights where my laughter turns to quiet tears. I don’t know why. A couple tears have managed to make their escape done my cheeks, for what specific reason/s I have no clue. Probably just emotional overload and overflow is all.
Back to the relationship thing. There’s the fear of what if they don’t fit with my family? What if my parents and sibs don’t like them, or vice versa, or both? What if I don’t like them?! (Sound’s crazy, but I always wonder if God is going to send me someone I don’t like, or worse someone I do!) I am very illogical on this topic, that I know, but still. What if he sees how useless I am in so many traditional feminine ways and how I’m totally non-traditional?
It’s much easier to believe that you are unattractive and unwanted from the get go so that the disappointments and fears never have a chance of coming true.
Honestly, I’ve been meaning to go to a coffee shop to study or write for a few hours, but what if I meet a divine connection, and just no. I don’t have the money to keep that up and just no. The chances are just no. Life isn’t a fairytale, that’s why we love stories, but the odds are just not there. And I wouldn’t want them to be. Besides what reason do I need to be in a coffee shop?
- I’m not crazy about coffee.
- It’s pretty expensive.
- What would I even do there?
- What if I don’t get anything accomplished and waste the establishment’s time and space?
- Sure there are other drinks and foods, but I have food and drinks at home. And no one to have to pay. No way Jose.
Other things to add on to my list. I’m not at all cute. I’m tall, and that kind of sucks cause what if I wanted a piggy-back ride or to be held or something. The poor chap might drop my large (in the tall aspect) size. 😦
What can I do? (Play on self-advertisement) [Note: I don’t even know what I meant by that here…]
I can make bad puns, I have a big family. I love God. I’m always trying to improve myself and the world around me as I can and with others when possible. I like food, though I’m shy with it if I feel uncomfortable. I love autumn and rainy days. Traveling is in my heart, although ironically I’ll do practically anything not to leave the house. I have many different laughs for many occasions. I am sarcastic, snarky, and cynical, yet also kind, compassionate, and soft hearted. I love – scratch that, I fricken adore babies, especially not my own. Little kids are also close to my heart. I love the nitty-gritty and helping people beyond the unseen.
I love snacking, yet I enjoy my figure too. I love languages and music. Words have a special place in my heart. I read dictionaries for fun…
Yeah. What of it?
I love learning, even if it’s information that’s useless to most others around me. If I find it interesting or entertaining, I’m willing to learn about it. I’m no longer sure if I’m still getting tattoos, and various piercings. I think I look more pretty when I have some sort of makeup accenting my natural features (e.i. Wearing some eyeliner makes my eyes pop and you can see my native features better, in my opinion anyway). My hair also affects my looks… Ugh.
I think I’m a more “boyish” feminine, except when I choose to look more “girly”. I like my short hair. I love my hands (baseball sized), my eyebrows (bushy-werewolf), and my eye shape (almonds that show my native heritage). Cause they’re cool. I feel weird dressing up on a daily basis or without a reason or planning at least a day ahead. I like my RBF, it gives me character and is humorous to me. I love my natural curls. I find it comical how salty I get when I’m at the end of my rope and how in those moments I am free, to be frank and blunt with people (though of course I go back and apologize later).
I will fight for others. I am loyal almost to a fault, and due to being hurt in the past, this season I’ve been a lot more reluctant to rush things or assume. Sometimes I can be pretty dense toward my own emotions and feelings due to having “shut off the faucet” for so long.
I want someone who will fight for me as much as I will fight for them. I am not going to be with someone who doesn’t appreciate my fighting heart and spirit. I refuse to attract a man who is emotionally unstable or insecure in his identity in God and in himself. Just as I will champion him on, I am looking for someone to champion me as well.
*[Note: I use random words in place of harsher words or swear words.]
Thank you for reading and I hope my sharing touched you in some way with whatever your personal battles are.
If you want to read the first part check here.
Feel free to leave a comment below about what this meant to you or how it touched you or someone else. 🙂