Since we are in February, I thought I would talk about relationships and topics surrounding it. I decided to share some of my journal writing because it’s a part of the journey I’m on.
This is from almost a year ago and I was really … well emotional.
This is not a light read. I get really raw and honest about some stuff, my thoughts and heart, so if you don’t appreciate or respect my honesty, I would suggest picking another blog post. It’s rough to read at some parts and I apologize if it seems hard to follow since I never planned on sharing it. I had to edit and clean it up a bit, yet I didn’t want to tamper too much because it would lose a lot of meaning if I tried to get rid of all of my mess in it. So, I’m sorry if I offend or upset anyone, but this is where I was at some point.
Also, this wasn’t all one shot of writing, it was at various times during one evening and me coming back to it every couple of hours.
So. It’s the silence that bites. It really does suck.
So Self, why the temper you won’t let anyone else see? Why the pent up frustration? Why do I kick myself in the rear (mentally/figuratively) in frustration and fury whenever I see a guy that could be a possible prospecting friend or whatever else in the future. It sucks that when I see a guy I like or think is cute, I can’t go up and say hello because the thoughts of going up to him with a motive seem too corrupt. The thought that wants it. A softer part of me that has been shut away in the towers of the castle that is my heart (or mind—it’s sometimes hard to tell them apart). “Shut up!” The guards scream. “You don’t have a right to feel this way. You suck. You’re corrupted. You’re only looking to get attention if you feel a certain way; if you dance or dress outside of drab, if you want male attention, you only care about yourself.”
It sucks. Because no one hears it but me. I wish that the radio signals that reach our ears could be heard by everyone else so that we could all just tell them to be silent together. Instead of us all quietly suffering, if we all could hear the lies and know each other’s lies more clearly we could just turn off the radio that much quicker. “You hear it too? It’s pure baloney I know. Let’s turn off that crap.”
I have some sort of a theory and I’ll explain why this is important after I’ve explained the theory:
Beautiful Men go for Beautiful/Pretty Women
Pretty Women go for both beautiful and homely men (though maybe more homely)
Homely Men go for both beautiful and homely women
Homely Women go both beautiful and homely men (though their chances with homely men are more likely)
It’s a load of crap I know, but it is in a way a stereotype. I personally put myself in the homely category, because I’d rather say that I’m not as beautiful and be wrong than be arrogant and think I’m the biggest thing since sliced cheese. Why did I bring this up? I actually don’t know.
That’s the looks part. I also have a hard time thinking that nice guys would want to date me. Little by little, bit by bit I’m beginning to realize that I am actually a nice/good person (relatively of course) at heart, but the part of me that is bitter – the part of me that is blunt and temperamental – makes me too scared to believe that I wouldn’t crush some poor man’s heart.
Also, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m sick and tired of being afraid of the men around me that I like that might actually take interest in me if I wasn’t such a coward. I literally send thoughts their way of “don’t look at me”, “don’t notice me”, “don’t find me attractive” because I’m afraid of what would happen if they did. A guy I like liking me back is scarier than him not, cause lets face it, there are a lot that won’t. I’m not being pessimistic, just honest. (There are over 7 billion, there’s going to be a large amount that aren’t.)
Then there are the little things that pile up: What if he doesn’t like my hair? What if he thinks my laugh is stupid? What if I’m too awkward? What if … etc.
One of life’s greatest mysteries to me is this: Why do some people have people swarming to have relationships with them, and people like me have zip? (I’m not saying I want just anyone, but you catch my drift right?)
It pisses me off actually. My own indecisiveness. I want someone. I hate the thought of needing someone. I need to make up my own freaking mind already. Fear: I’ll never be enough for them. Some insecurity of mine will be what turns them off and away. Please. Don’t. I don’t even want to go through with it. And yet…here’s what gets me in trouble with myself. The rebellion of the heart goes on. Heart, who gave you permission to want more? Aren’t friends and family enough? Why must I be plagued by the desire to be held and wanted in a way that seems unnatural to me? Isn’t romance made for others, but not for me?
Why wasn’t I granted the gift of singleness and asexuality? Why do I have a sex drive? Why do I want??? Why does my heart ache at the thought of finding someone who wishes to connect with me in a way that only we two will know and understand – hear me: I don’t mean sex – I want a connection. To a guy – I can’t even say man, I still feel like a child. What man would want a child? Am I a woman? Or still just a girl? Legally, I’m a woman in some aspects, but am I really? When my heart still aches like this? When I don’t know what I’m doing as an adult with no true life experience? Can I truly be called a woman?
So identity then. That’s the source of my pain. Never truly feeling like a true woman or ever feeling like I will get to that place or a higher place of maturity… 10 months can’t erase a lifetime of doubts…right? Can it?
Back to the guy thing, if I do find a guy I like I usually find a flaw that justifies why I should stay single. Most of the time I just come to the conclusion that a mix of several of them would be my dream man, but even if I met him, I’d probably just pass him on to a girl I thought suited him better, and vice versa.
Bastard…not a guy, my own inhibitions… a self-inflicted curse if you will! If only I could loose my tongue… oh, the freedom and yet I’m glad not to inflict what could come out onto another…
The Dogs of Doom stand at the door of your destiny. (I heard this from Kris V.)
- I can never think of this without “The House of Hades” illustrations popping up in my mind.
- What are my biggest I can’t/ greatest fears of the moment? This is where I need to be the most and where I carry the most strength.
- Question: If it touches my soul or pisses me off then was I made for it? Meaning I’ve told people about things that frustrate me and their response is to leave it alone or to someone else or “make sure God is behind it”. But if it has already touched my heart, doesn’t that mean I was made to cut down this giant? (albeit waiting on His timing)
By writing out my thoughts little by little, bit by bit my heart is being lightened and wrung out… It’s about darn time… Everyone else was ready for the butterfly to enter her cocoon. Only she hesitated; only she worried about what it would mean for the future. Her future is crashing down in silence. She watches in silence sitting in the pews as her dreams and walls and her carefully painted glass windows crash down.
No one is there to stop them.
No one slows their descent…
Sweating in the stance. Breathing hard. Bang! A with the pull of a trigger she’s off running the race of her life. She has been set off. She has been set up. She will live. Hold to the baton tightly, for it is your life in your hands. Will you let another take it from you or will you willingly hand it off? Run. Run faster! For your very life depends on it. Don’t take yourself lightly for no one else does. Catch your breath for only a moment for your life depends on it. A with the fade from sight as exhaustion covers you in it nightly blanket take cover for your race is through and the next runner will go farther than you ever did.
Something I don’t understand:
For years, I forbade my body from crying and refused most negative (and even some positive) emotions. So why is it that when I came to school except for specific situations it feels like my actual tear ducts have sealed themselves off and I can’t bring tears to my own eyes. Like, they are super dry in the moments where I am going crazy on the inside and just need a good sob. I have to watch specific movies or talk about specific things in order to feel anything. Am I depressed? If so I refuse it. Otherwise, what is wrong?
That was a whirlwind of emotions and pain right there from a few months ago. That’s a lot of my insecurities, some former and some still living.
I don’t know what else to say. I mean that was a lot. And honestly, I feel really raw even after changing some of my wording…
It’s not a light read, that’s for sure.
For part 2 click here.